It's hard for me to understand, because I am ridiculously, weepily, happy about how much life I'm living now. As I've explained before, depression has given me a heightened sense of gratitude for any good things that happen to me. New Years seems like a logical time to celebrate my good fortune, but the day is blemished by melancholy. I think I am scarred.
I gave up new years resolutions. Instead, I like to list a few fun things I want to do in upcoming year. Call me crazy, but I like to be excited about the upcoming year rather than seeing it as a battleground in which I must address my (ever present) flaws.
I've well and truly opened my tear duct flood gates and that's fine with me. Crying is so cathartic; I'm metaphorically shedding my misery with my tears. If I try to hold in my tears, it actually makes my head and face ache. For me it feels more healthy to let myself feel rather than try to fight it.
I have moments of pure, undiluted joy where I smile, laugh, cry. A "thank fuck I didn't give up, I am so grateful for this life" moment. Most of these have happened while I've been exploring a new country. I would guess it is the combination of the beauty of our world and the gratitude that I can not only see and experience it, but I can do so without my vision being obstructed by depression.